The story is for all of you who wake up in the middle of the night with that feeling something is watching you......
So lying in bed, I had an uneasy feeling for about half an hour that I couldn't shake and I ended up getting up and wandering into the bathroom at about 5 AM this morning. My cat was standing in the corner with her paws on something in the doorway… After my blurry vision had receded is a little bit I realize what she was playing with wasn't my shoelace but a snake.... Gives new meaning to the old adage "if it was a snake, it would've bitten me." That is how close I was standing....
Of course The Miller Snake Killing team was flying at half mast that night and I was trapped in the bathroom with the snake across the threshold.... I should probably take this moment to mention that it was a copperhead.
Okay okay, I should also take this moment to mention that it was not a full-grown copperhead. But to a snake-chicken like me, that is negligable.
You know the younger ones are more venomous right? I'm pretty sure I learned that from one of the snake books Noah makes me read before he goes to bed. Instant death in my bathroom striking out at my cat. I did what any reasonable person would do trapped in the bathroom with a snake and a cat.
I climbed up on the counter.
At This point I'm still trying to be sort of quiet because the boys are fast asleep in the next room. I don't even flush the toilet when the kids are asleep for fear of waking them up! Screaming bloody murder was out of the question.
From my perch, I collected my thoughts. Obviously it was me or the snake. Someone had to die and it was not going to be me. Dinah (the cat) removed herself from the fatal equation with her amazing superpower of being completely unaffected (nay, delighted!) by snake. The entire time the little thing is striking and she's grabbing it by the head and flinging around like a ragdoll. This is one of those moments where I regretted declawing her. Cotton paws are pretty and effective against Satan reptiles.
Moving on.
After talking myself down (literally), I sprinted to my closet where I perused my many weapons of choice.... Shoes. See Tyler, it's a good thing I have so many! Shoes saved my life!
After selecting a hefty wedge sandal, I grab the kids potty stool and creep back to where the snake is. With both feet tucked under me on the stool, I grab my wedge sandal and start hammering at that snake's head until it finally stops trying to strike.
Sadly, there is now blood on my wedged sandal. And on my nice clean bathroom floor. And ground in snake grey matter , which if you're interested is actually grey by the way. But there is also a dead snake are there used to be a live one. So I will take that. Dinah stares accusingly up at me. She is seriously ticked off.
Phase two.
As I move the snake over with a topsy tail loop ( you remember those from the 90s! I still have mine!), I realize that it is totally not dead. But by this time it I can skip out of the bathroom and go grab my real weapon of choice which is a chef's knife. The bane of all snakes on Winged Foot. At least that's what I would name it if it were a sword. The next part was mostly me holding him down with tongs and sawing at his head with a knife. The rest, as they say, is history. I won't go into gory detail but I will say this. I am reminded of that scene from the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe were Aslan tells Peter to clean off the blood off of his sword every time after battle.
Everyone is happy.
Except the snake.
And Dinah.
And of course I was not able to go back to sleep because of the willies I had.... Instead, I read my psychological thriller about a missing girl which seem to far less scary than the scene I had just encountered in the bathroom.
