Noahisms #2

It's time for more Noah-isms! No introduction required. Here's Noah's TopTen Countdown !

10) Noah: What are the holes in the bottom of the swing for?
Me: So that they don't fill up with rain.
Noah:  (dismissively) No, no....it's so that our bottoms can breathe!

9) N: Does it smell like tacos in here?
Me: (sniffing the van air) Maybe a little
N: That's because I'm tooooooting!!!

Could be worse...

8) N: How do you put on a rocket pack?
Me: I don't know, Hon.
N: Maybe you should ask Siri!...... When I get big, and I marry you, THEN I can tell you!

Guess Siri didn't provide a satisfactory answer.....

7) Noah: Is Dinah (the cat) eating lentils????

Never thought of Purina Cat Chow that way...

6) Noah: God is like a Super Hero!!!! Because he saves kids from sin!

5) N: If you see a man with a black mustache, a black hat, and two bags of money, that's a bad guy. If you leave him alone, he'll leave you alone!
Me: Like a bee????
N: Or a wasp.... Or a turtle..... Or a chicken

Admittedly, some of those chickens can be kind of bad-guy-ish..... Nevermind sharks, it's the chickens we have to look out for!

4) Daddy: (furious) YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO US!!! Because ...... WE MADE YOU!!!
Noah: (sniggers imp-like, exasperated) You're not God!

Oh man.... Who knew Sunday School would backfire on that one..haha

3) While cleaning out the garage....
Noah (holding Tyler's football): Let's play football!
Me: Nonononononononono (panicked, I snatch the ball from him) I'm sorry! We can't play with that ball.... It stays in the case!
Noah: Why??
Me: Because someone very important (Kurt Warner!)  wrote his name on it and we don't want it to get messed up!
Noah: (indignant) Why isn't MY name on it?!

Good question ;)

2) On Tyler's Birthday
N: Twenty-eight is my FAVORITE number!
Me: What do you think you'll be doing when YOU'RE 28?
N: I'll build trucks.... I'll be a construction mechanic
Me: Where will you live?
N: I'll live next-door to our old house.
Me: Who will you live with? Will you be married?
N: I'll marry Jamma and Papa.....OR I think I can get married to Ms. Meg or somebody who didn't get married....like a girl.
Me: And will you have children?
N: (gravely) No, I'll be too old to have children

BAM!

And the best and final one....

1) N: Can I watch 'Time to shoot?'
Me: (horrified and confused) You want to watch WHAT???!!!!!!?
N: You know...the movie...with the bear..... 'Time to Shoot'.......
(Light dawns!)
Me: OOOOOHHHHHHH (almost weeping with relief) You mean 'Open Season!'

Whew!

Eureka!... I don't got it.....

WARNING! This one gets a bit personal. I debated for days on whether or not this was inappropriate to blog about but it's just too funny (and someone dishonest) to leave out. So I'm sure this warning is just gonna make you want to read this more, BUT at least I can say, you were warned! And if you haven't ever found yourself in this situation, you're either a liar, haven't lived long enough, or have magic powers on par with unicorns. And if that's the case, please save some of your magic for me!

Sometimes something that seems so brilliant turns out to not be so brilliant.... surely I'm not alone in this one.

Earlier this week, we went to beach with some good friends while DH was at work. We left the beach a little early because the baby was cranky. I was feeling pretty overconfident because I had managed to jerry-rig a spiketed bucket with some bottled water to shower the kids off and put them in fresh clothes. Kids clean, dry and almost sand free were watching a movie in the van, strapped in with a snack and some juice. All ready to go. And as I'm setting up my own "shower," feeling pretty smug with my smoothness as a single parent for the day, I hear the call of nature. Loud and urgent. Oh boy. Guess all that trying to hydrate was catching up with me. (Shakes fist at Murphy)

Now, the Jungle girl in me says to squat and get it over with, but the Lady in me is concerned about someone suddenly coming up the path to the secluded parking lot at an untimely moment. As I'm considering my options, my urgency is growing more .... well... urgent. And the kids are happily, blissfully unaware of nothing but their movie. Unstrapping them and running for the cover of the ocean did cross my mind, but the thought of undoing all of my hard work... not so appealing. At this point, the option of gunning it to a gas station had become an impossibility due to the urgency of the matter.... 

Eureka! 

I whip out a diaper, once again smug with my veteran mom-ness shining through to a plausible solution. Discretely,  I insert the diaper into my bathing suit, standing, seemingly, causally outside the van driver side.

And the dams open.

And I'm sure you all know what's coming next because my AHA moment quickly turned into an UH-Oh moment as I realized the diapers were meant for 20lb baby bladders and not... well... I'm not gonna tell you how much I weigh, but It's not 20lbs. Unfortunately, after 5 seconds, I had reached the point of no return and diaper had reached the point of no absorption..... 

ugh.

I felt about 3 feet tall.

Tossing the diaper aside, I thank GOD I had saved my shower for last. Unfortunately  I used so much water on my legs, that I had to ride home salty and sandy from the waist up. But at least .... I had an empty bladder. And clean legs.

And that walk of shame with a full diaper to the trashcan across the lot... very humbling. 

But at least the kids were still undisturbed in their snacking nirvana as I slinked behind the wheel and red-faced drove home. 

Now, don't you think less of me? I'll bet you've NEVER had to pee so bad you made a rash and stupid decision. But if you had, I'll bet you weren't stupid enough to blog about it. But there you go. That's my life. And you're invited in. Pee-pee legs and all. 

Enjoy.

Cuttin' Up in the Miller House

There is a fog that hangs over a tired, overworked Momma. This said Momma has been nursing sick babies, daddies, and herself since November with nary a week in between bouts. So it was bound to happen.....

As you might remember from previous posts, we recently had our credit card information hacked. Since then, we have gotten new credit cards that I just now went to activate..... although I had forgotten to throw away the "hacked" credit cards, thereby trying to activate a flagged account.... and ended up playing Twenty-Questions with a heavily accented, heavily breathing Senior manager named Norm. I can neither confirm nor deny that he thought he was playing the hero by blocking a hardened criminal from going on a shopping spree with a "hacked" credit card. "I'm gonna have to call you back." Click. Ensue search for CORRECT new cards.

Well, at least I know my bank's got it game face on.

After rifling though the desk for the correct cards to activate, and hereby successfully wiping the smirk off Norm's "vigilante-happy visage," I played it smart by cutting up the hacked cards.

I promise. This story isn't as boring as it seems.

Fast-forward. Kroger. The Next Day. I try to use my debit card.
Card Declined
swipe
Card Declined
swipe
Card Declined

I swear, lady, I HAVE $47 in the bank. Heh heh. (sweating profusely)

I try another card..... and pick my jaw up off the floor when I realize it is the exact same card... with different numbers. Be cool. Just pay.

swipe duplicate card
Card Accepted

(See! I told you I had $47! Hah!)

But not too smugly....because, after all, I have just realized that instead of cutting up my hacked card..... I have destroyed my debit card instead.

I should have led by pointing out that both the credit and the debit cards are the exact same shade of blue AND both say the name of the bank.

Another fun call to the bank. Uh, yes, I know you think I'm a credit card thief  but can you send me a debit card too?

At least the teller was nice enough to sign me up for the Disney Princess debit card.... just so I don't get them mixed up again. I think it's time to crawl back under that rock from which I just prematurely emerged.

Please tell me I'm not the first person in the world to accidentally cut up my own debit card. I'm sure this'll be funny when I'm not sweating bullets in Kroger somewhere with a line of people pretending not to notice.